Written By Felipe Beltran
I took some time to reflect.
My time reflecting got me thinking.
I am sitting by myself just thinking about all the things I have been through.
And I just wanted to take this time out to be completely honest.
Because there are a lot of things, I keep bottled up inside that hurts.
It hurts, it hurts so much.
It hurts deep down into my soul.
All the pain.
All the pills.
All the emotions.
All those years that I wasted.
Doing drugs and acting like a scrub.
But to those years that I wasted; they compare nothing to the tears that I have tasted.
Just for some insight, here are some thoughts that had me pasted during all those wasted years.
I do not understand how people wake up ready or excited for another day.
I mean it is the same thing with no change.
I do the same thing repeatedly, the same tasks, the same routine, the same everything over and over.
Until I die.
I do not get it, this game I call “life.”
If I am being honest, life is hard.
Just waking up in the morning is a hassle for me.
Even when I had a good morning when I woke up.
Even when my beautiful baby girl tells me good morning when I woke up.
Even when my caring family tells me how much they love me when I woke up.
Even when I thank God for a new morning when I woke up.
If I am being honest, most of the time I wish I never woke up.
Lord why do I have to wake up?
I stay in bed, tossing and turning, wondering if anyone would remember me if I never woke up.
My question to you is, would you remember me if I never woke up?
Lord, why do I want to die?
I feel the heavy weight of these massive waves over my shoulder.
This weight over my shoulders gets heavier and harder to hold.
The weight over my shoulders feels like the weight of the ocean.
The weight is too heavy, my shoulders cannot rep this.
My shoulders are breaking.
I want to give up, I cannot live up to these expectations.
I thought I would have my life figured out by now.
I thought I would be overseas making money by now.
I thought I would be making my money without a stupid fancy degree by now.
I thought I would have my money in the bag by now.
I am such a fool, I really thought life would be simpler and all my problems would be in the past by now.
The reality is that I have nothing figured out right now.
All the problems I had in the past are still present in my life right now.
I have been tired for so long right now.
I am so tired.
I need some coffee.
I feel like everybody is sleeping on me.
I know I am sleeping on me.
This coffee is not working.
I am still tired after my fourth cup.
I need something stronger.
I am tired of needing a substance to get out of bed.
I am tired of taking drugs to put me in a good mood.
I am tired of feeling unapproved.
I only started to do drugs to feel like I have been approved.
I am tired of being a sinner.
I am tired of trying to be an angel while I am surrounded by demons.
How can I be an angel when I am so unfaithful?
How can I be grateful, when deep down I am so ungrateful?
How can I be good when I know I am disgraceful?
How can I get by in life while I am haunted by demons?
I am fast, but I cannot outrun them.
I am strong, but I cannot beat them.
How can I stay focused when all the good I do stays unnoticed?
Meanwhile, all my mistakes are highlighted by a big red highlighter for everyone to see.
I am so stressed, I cannot relax.
I keep on having to swallow my pride
I keep on hiding what is making me mad.
I cannot win, I might just take a pill to relax.
But wait, I am trying to stay sober.
How can I stay sober when this game called “life” keeps on making me swallow all these hard pills.
My lust.
My anger.
My sadness.
My pain.
My lost.
My pride.
Most of my life it has been drugs.
I have been so desperate for some real love.
All I need is a simple hug.
I have been down for so long that certain thoughts have me wondering what is up there.
I have lost so many of my deepest friends.
I feel like I am drowning, life keeps throwing me into the deepest end.
The ocean is rising.
The storm is growing.
The waves are getting stronger.
The water is getting darker.
The water keeps getting colder.
The current is pulling me.
It feels like the ocean is consuming me.
I cannot breathe…
Help me, I am drowning.
In those times I forgot how to swim.
But it is in those times when I must learn how to walk on water.
Kidus you were the life of my party.
I swear you brought life to my party.
When you took your life, I almost took the life out of my own party.
When you left you really harmed me.
I do not think you realize what you meant to me.
You were like a brother to me.
You and me, we were like a crew.
We were like Buzz Light Year and Woodie from Toy Story.
Since you left, my life has felt like an episode of American Horror Story.
Now I am surrounded by these nightmares.
I have so many dreams that I want to come true.
But I do not know if they will.
How can my dreams come true when all I have are nightmares?
I have been in the dark for so long that I do not know if there is any light around here.
It’s so dark in here.
These dark times feel like they are always here.
But with these white lines, they help me numb out those dark times.
Even when I am numb, forgetting about my dark times.
The darkness within me is still present.
It is like wherever I go, the darkness just follows me.
But with these bright pills that I pop.
They help me forget about my own darkness within me.
They make me feel as bright as the pills themselves.
But those effects only last for so long.
The high always comes crashing down.
No matter how many pills I pop, or how many lines I snort.
The darkness is still here.
No amount of substance will make that darkness go away.
It numbs it for a while, but the substance abuse just makes the darkness grow.
My tolerance is growing.
The more drugs I take, the more my body needs.
The more my tolerance grows, the more drugs I take.
It is not me numbing or running from my dark time or the darkness.
It is an addiction.
The drugs are no longer an escape, they are a substance that I am abusing of.
I need to admit to myself that I have a severe problem.
I need to man up.
I NEED TO WAKE UP!
I need to wake up.
Because if I do not wake up, there might be a morning, where I do not wake up.
It is time that I got out of my own darkness.
I look into the galaxy, and it is beautiful.
I want it, it is time I made it mine.
I must become a Guardian of this infinite galaxy.
So, I reach for the sky.
I aim for the moon.
I dream of a night full of stars.
And become a star myself.
Just like Buzz Lightyear.
Now I am light years ahead of those nightmares.
No more nightmares.
No more night terrors.
Now my nights are clear.
While this is a poem, in a way it is also a letter.
This is a letter to all my brothers whom I have built a bond with.
Just know that this bond we have built will last forever.
I love you all more than words can express.
I care so much about you all.
I care so much it is hard for me to confess.
I might not show it and you might not think I care.
And that is on me.
I put up walls.
To hide the fact that I care.
But I do,
I care!
I care so much.
About you all.
About your dreams.
About your goals.
About everything that makes you happy.
I want you all to respect me.
I want you all to love me.
I was so afraid of you knowing that.
But I am not afraid anymore.
There were so many times when I lost to my past regrets.
Here I am, telling you that I no longer have any regrets.
I made mistakes, but the beautiful thing about mistakes is that you make your own mistakes.
Your mistakes never make you.
Do not dwell on the mistakes you make.
Learn from them, do not dwell on them.
I have made plenty of mistakes, but I am only human at the end of the day.
Here I am now, man enough to face my past mistakes today.
I cannot change the past, so I must embrace it.
I accepted what happened and all the mistakes I made.
I am sorry to those I hurt.
Please forgive me, I am not the same man anymore.
I am a new man.
As a new man, I am now doing my best to become a leader you can respect.
As a leader, I can tell you that this poem was written for those who cry out for death.
For the broken,
For the lost,
And for the depressed.
This poem was written for any of those who have come close to dying.
For those who cannot go to the night without crying.
For those lost ones feeling low and spiraling.
For anyone of those who need inspiring.
This poem was written to create a pack of strong lions.
I know it is hard.
It is hard to change.
Just give it time.
Things will get right.
Just stay faithful and humble
Work hard and be brave.
And trust me, your dreams will be in sight.
I hope this poem influenced you in a way.
My question is,
Did my words have an effect on you?
Or will you ignore them and stay a victim to your own mind?
I told you it is hard to change.
That is because true change starts in the mind.
So, it is time to change your mind.
Once we change our mindset, that is when we will start seeing real change.
It is time we start to change for real.
It is time we started to change for good.
My brother, it is about time we started to stand up.
We must stand up for what is true and what is right.
So,
STAND UP!
Fight for someone other than yourself.
And change the world while you are at it.
End.
If you or a loved one are suffering from a mental illness or are considering suicide, please reach out. You are loved, your life does matter, and you do have purpose. Please speak up, you are not alone. This month is suicide prevention month.
Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. If you are feeling suicidal, please reach out, call 988 (a suicide/ life crisis line), or visit https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/ a website to help you find information and people to help you through those challenging times. You don’t have to pretend to be happy or go through life miserable. Life is beautiful. You are beautiful. Your life is beautiful.
Rest In Peace Kidus.
I will forever love you.
And I will forever miss you.
In till we see each other again,
Godspeed my dear friend.